Disappointment

Why am I doing this?

Am I good enough?

Why do I suck?

Will I ever get better?

Why won’t the nerves go away?

Self doubt. How do I handle it? Every Tuesday I head out to GoodFellas for MoonCat Comedy’s open mic night. I know what to expect. You would think that I wouldn’t get so nervous, that my thoughts would be put together enough that my jokes come across how I want them to, but they don’t. I still get nervous as hell and I still mess up my jokes.

I want this so bad, but I can’t help but wonder if I am good enough if I can’t keep it together for five minutes every week. I want people to laugh with me, not at me. I can’t help but wonder if the laughs I get are because of my jokes, or if I am the joke.

Yes, I have had a few good weeks. There have been times things have gone well while I was on stage. It just seems like more times than none I am leaving the stage angry at myself. Angry that I messed up the joke, angry that I skipped parts of my set, angry that I got so lost in my notes that I couldn’t remember exactly what I wanted to say. How do I fix this? Should I keep trying?

It is really starting to weigh on me. This is my dream, this is my escape. I need to start re-evaluating what I am doing and how I am doing it. No, I am not giving up. I am going to keep trying and keep working. It would be easy to throw in the towel, but that is not who I am. I don’t give up on my dreams that easily. Maybe I am stubborn or maybe that is just how much comedy means to me.

I just need to find a way to get past the nerves, find a way to remember the jokes I write, find a way to get on stage and make people laugh their asses off.

I have decided to cut back on how much I am sharing with people. I want to be known for funny shit, not stupid shit. I want to be known for making you laugh, not making an ass of myself.

Don’t worry, this is definitely not the end of Cory Lee. It is just the beginning. I know I am just starting and I know that this is something that is going to take a lot of time and work. So stick with me, it’ll be worth it, I promise.

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